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Trust
2011, the year that kicked my ass. Yes, I am one of the people that was glad to kiss those 365 days good-bye. Although, it was one of those love/hate years where I knew that as much heartache and strife the Universe was walking me through, it was going to be good for my growth in the end.
It’s difficult to understand why we go through the things we do. If everything we experience and everyone that comes into our life has a purpose, we may not recognize just what that is until much time has passed. Sometimes, if we’re lucky we can see it almost immediately. Other times, we may never see it at all.
To recap my year, there was a break up, a move, death, job loss, and betrayal. Sometimes, I lost faith and other times I hung onto hope but, in review it looks so different from hindsight. I realize that I lost faith in myself and the hope I grasped for was loosely hooked onto an illusion.
Most of those events from the year I accepted because, it’s how the world evolves. A break up leads to new love eventually, from death there is new life, job loss leads to new education but, betrayal...I struggled with that one for a bit. Anyone that knows me is well aware that I have a tendency to sit in my shit until I figure it out - I dig my heels in and I can’t see anything else until it makes sense to me. It looks like I’m torturing myself in the process but really, I’m preparing to set myself free from it. When it’s done, I never look back.
The betrayal itself at first glance looked like mastery deception at it’s finest. Secrets, blatant lies, many lives unknowingly tangled in an intricate web. Every secret finds a way out and the proverbial can of worms spills to floor...changing lives.
This event was an alarm to my system because the person I trusted the most, let me down...Me. Being highly intuitive I’ve always trusted my “gut” but, this time I excused it over and over again because I was being told what I wanted to hear and I wasn’t listening to the voice within. You see, I could tell the story in all of it’s drama and point out the perceived “villains” but, ultimately and very cliche - I only have myself to blame.
My first instinct is always the right one. Your first instinct is always the right one. Yet, we second guess ourselves more times than not. We try to find reasons to be wrong in a world where so many try to prove themselves right. It’s the personal relationships, the jobs, the material things that we really want to have that we hold onto - even when it is so apparently clear that they don’t fit with us. Just because something feels like the best you’ve ever had doesn’t mean that it’s the best there ever will be and just when you don’t believe it - the Universe finds a way to prove it to you.
Yes, I believe that 2011 kicked my ass but, I let it. I needed it to - in order to awaken TO myself once again and to remember that trust is only within me. If I listen to my inner voice, no one can betray me - I am my only fool.
I think we spend our entire lives building and tearing down relationships with people but, in the process we learn who we are. We also learn what we’re capable of and to learn that it’s ok to let the dark side out once in a while - the Darth Vader of our souls - because there IS light - it’s YOU.
2012 is going to be a better year...I’m trusting myself to let it be so.
PS. After reviewing my blogs, I recognize a theme - relationship to self. Funny where and WHO it all begins and ends with. :)
I want to share the video of this amazing woman and her story. Sometimes we live in the victim mode of what has happened TO us - forgetting that everything is happening THROUGH us. She is a true testament to the human spirit.
